Plebian: Albion Betrayed, Malleable Ghost Kitchen Run by Towny Squirrels

Squirrels scattered throughout the Baldwin Hall kitchen, cooking various foods. With rumors spreading around campus, it was discovered that squirrels run Baldwin – and Baldwin is the secret headquarters of the Albion Malleable (Illustration by Phoebe Holm).

(Part of The Plebian: April Fool’s Edition)

Last month, rumors started circling Albion College’s campus about shared food items between the Albion Malleable and Baldwin Hall. Many students and staff questioned the similarities, even whispering about secret recipes and mysterious ingredients. One professor even went so far as to say that the food was “suspiciously nutty.” 

British Department Professor Rocky Campo said he’s long had concerns with Metz Dining. 

“I don’t know what it is, but I swear that when I go to the Malleable, I’m eating the exact same thing as I do in Baldwin,” Campo said. “The food tastes like I licked an acorn tree and decided to keep licking it.”

With rumors gaining traction, a student going by the alias “Yellow Saturn” came forward on Thursday reporting that they saw something after hours in the Baldwin kitchen; according to Saturn, something “frightful.”

“I couldn’t believe what I saw,” Saturn said. “They were everywhere.”

After Saturn took some time to collect themselves, they shouted: 

“IT WAS SQUIRRELS! AND THEY WERE COOKING IN THE KITCHEN!”

Picture this: A bustling kitchen filled not with the clatter of human chefs, but with the scampering of tiny paws and the chittering of squirrels. Yes, you heard that right – squirrels. 

These bushy-tailed critters aren’t just hoarding acorns for the winter; they are using the Baldwin kitchen after hours to cook anything and everything they can get their little paws on.

But that’s not all.

Behind closed doors and after the 8 p.m. shutdown, Baldwin Hall transforms into a ghost kitchen unlike any other. According to Saturn, instead of human chefs, a fluffy-tailed team of squirrels don tiny aprons and chef hats, “wielding spatulas with surprising skill.” 

“It seems these furry masterminds have honed their culinary skills to perfection, gaining inspiration from observing unsuspecting college goers,” Saturn said.

But, the plot thickens. 

It turns out that Baldwin Hall isn’t just any ghost kitchen – it’s been the secret headquarters for the Albion Malleable for years, with the campus squirrels behind their esteemed success. 

“Not only did I see them cooking, I saw them taking the food to the Malleable,” Saturn said. “Renesmae Cullin, Malleable’s head chef, opens the back door every night and the squirrels file the pre-made food in.”

While customers dine in blissful ignorance downtown, unaware of the true origins of the “best burger in Michigan,” the real magic unfolds a mile away on campus.

But how did this unlikely alliance between squirrels and cuisine come to be? 

Some speculate that it all began with a once-in-a-lifetime encounter between a curious squirrel and a student who accidentally dropped a recipe book on the quad. 

“I saw it happen, trust me,” Wesley Warrior, Cleveland junior, said.

Others insist it’s the result of a long-standing pact between the squirrels and the college’s mascot, Brit the Briton.

“There’s no way he didn’t have any knowledge of this,” Chris Borg, Albion first-year, said. “The Brit did all of this, and I can prove it! Did you know he was the creator of the movie ‘Ratatouille!?’”

Regardless of how it started, one thing is clear: The squirrels of Albion have elevated their game to unprecedented heights. The pizza that students feed them? The trash cans they revel in? 

All part of their master culinary plans. 

So, the next time you find yourself dining at the Albion Malleable or grabbing a bite at Baldwin Hall, remember: Behind every meal lies a story, and sometimes that story involves a secret society of gourmet squirrels running the show.

About Katherine Simpkins 24 Articles
Katherine Simpkins, aka "Kat", is a senior from Adrian, MI. She is majoring in Sociology and minoring in Educational Studies. Her passion for journalism started at an early age when she picked up her camera and started seeing life from a different perspective. In her free time, you can find Kat snuggled up next to her cat, Phoebe; named after the best "Friends" character. You can contact her at KCS11@albion.edu.

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