Plebian: Albion College Introduces Four New Majors in Historic Move

Dr. Pepe Roni of Albion College’s Philosophy Department presents the department’s new majors. The four new majors being introduced in the Fall semester of 2023 mark a historic move for Albion College (Photo via wikimedia commons).

(Part of The Plebian: April Fool’s Edition)

Albion College has historically held the same 59 majors since the 1950s, with some very minimal changes since. This monotony is about to change, however, as calls for the college to introduce new programs have risen in recent years.

These calls have not gone unanswered. 

Today, Albion College Spokesperson Dan Deline declared that Albion College would be introducing four new majors in the Fall 2023 school year. 

“This launch is the result of about three years of work,” Deline said. “With an extensive hiring process, course development and input from our current faculty and student body, it’s been a lot.”

The result is well worth the wait, he says. 

Spanning three departments, the new majors present opportunities for new and current students, Deline says. 

“This is a new chapter for Albion College, one where we step bravely into a partnership with the demands of modern academia,” said Deline. 

Students will be able to declare one of the four new majors detailed below starting fall of 2023. Though the majors themselves will not be available until then, the Plebian has been given early access to their contents. 

In the Department of Anthropology and Sociology

Albion College’s mascot has always been Brit the Briton, and the college has reflected this in its marketing, branding and communications accordingly. However, a major in European-specific studies has long been absent from the Albion College curriculum. 

Beginning in the Fall semester of 2023, Albion College’s Department of Anthropology and Sociology will offer a new major: British.

This major will focus on all things British innit, giving students the opportunity to be chuffed to bits with a host of new classes such as BRIT 113: Bits, Bobs and Never Going to the Dentist Again and BRIT 323: Colonialism.

Newly hired professor and advisor to the new major, Dr. Iona Frisbee, who saw “Oliver Twist” one time, said she’s gobsmacked, innit. 

“Blimey, I’m a bit quite full of beans to be sortin’ blighty,” said Frisbee. 

As the first of its kind in the nation, the British major expects to make a splash, innit.

In the Department of Women’s, Gender and Sexuality Studies

Women’s, Gender and Sexuality studies have always been an important part of earning one’s degree at Albion College. A gender category class is required to graduate, though the department has historically held very few major programs. 

Recently hired professor, Dr. Jo Lene, says that the new major will discuss the life and impact of one woman in particular. 

“Dolly Parton is the first and most woman ever,” said Dr. Lene. “She really presents the perfect subject for a major, and we’re really trying to introduce this major as a complete study of womanhood from the perspective of our lord and savior, Dolly Parton.”

Dolly Parton students will have new opportunities for experiential learning, including DOLLY 201: Working Girl, where students will begin class at 9 a.m. and end at 5 p.m. discussing the life, films and music of Dolly Parton. 

“Dolly Parton majors will leave Albion College with perhaps the most unique degree in the nation,” Dr. Lene said.

In the Department of Philosophy

When Dr. Pepe Roni was teaching a philosophy class on perceptions of the environment in art from the 1990s, he never expected a student’s comment to become the foundation of a new major at Albion College. 

While showing slides depicting children’s television in the late 1990s, Dr. Roni showed a scene from the 1997 show, “Kipper the Dog” depicting the main characters feeding ducks at the park. 

“Oh, to be a cartoon duck,” said one student. 

Thus, after three years of development, the Albion College Philosophy department is proud to introduce a new major: Cartoon Duck. 

Cartoon Duck students will have the opportunity to enter the headspace of an actual cartoon duck, choosing one of two tracks: Complete and Utter Serenity, or Pure, Blasting Rage. 

Each track will include required classes like CRTNDCK 101: Floating and Contemplating, with track-specific courses supplementing their degree, such as CRTNDCK 314: Yellow or Orange Feet? or CRTNDCK 330: Hurting People With Your Little Round Beak.

“This program will prepare graduates for a complex and thinky career,” Dr. Roni said. “I’m excited for the world these modern philosophers will create; I think we’re really doing something special here.”

The final new major being introduced in the Philosophy Department promises to be the best, most major ever offered at Albion College. Dr. Roni notes that of all the new majors, Big and Little Pieces required the most time to develop.

“We just found that there were so many big and little pieces to consider, that we really just had to get them all together and look at them all at the same time,” Dr. Roni said.

The Big and Little Pieces major will allow philosophy students to consider all the things, taking classes such as BLP 221: Dust Motes and Big Ol’ Ships and BLP 232: Minecraft. Students will even have the chance to perceive the unfathomable, experiential learning opportunity only Albion College has to offer.

“This is the real Albion Advantage,” Dr. Roni said. 

About Bonnie Lord 37 Articles
Bonnie Lord is a sophomore from Alma, Michigan and is an environmental science major at Albion College. She investigates questions of infrastructure, water quality and the changing relationship the community of Albion navigates with the environment. She enjoys bird watching, reading, and dismantling the patriarchy. Contact Bonnie via email at BFL10@albion.edu

3 Comments

  1. That’s all fine and dandy, but please explain how three new programs can be implemented, but I’ve been waiting a month for basic admissions information AND I live down the street?!

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