Plebian: Albion College Revamps Course Offerings

A squirrel holds a slice of Baldwin pizza and a raccoon is drawn in front of a music note, symbolizing the direction of new classes coming to Albion College. As Albion College's course catalog expands, choosing the right course and following your heart can feel impossible (Illustration by Naima Davenport).

(Part of The Plebian: April Fool’s Edition)

Students on YikYak, a trusted source for student news, have expressed interest in expanding Albion College’s course catalog. 

“We don’t have enough course requirements, we need more!” User Spicy Turtle said in a post on Friday. 

This morning, Albion Student Success and Academic Support spokesperson Tone-E announced the decision to bring four new classes to Albion’s course catalog in the fall.

“Yeah, me and some of the Metz guys were up on Yak last night and thought, ‘Why not?’” Tone-E said.

Albion College offered more than 400 class options and sections for the spring 2024 semester – the fall 2024 course catalog will offer more. The classes will be interconnected with Albion’s existing majors; specifically biochemistry, art, music and sociology. 

BIOCHEM 514: Movie Studies

Many biochemistry students get tired in class and often opt to watch movies during lectures, according to Albion sophomore Brita Brown.  

“Sometimes in my biochem lectures I find myself falling asleep. Usually, I put on a show to keep myself awake,” Brown said. “We all do it.”

Because of this, a new biochemistry class has been brought forward: BIOCHEM 514: Movie Studies. 

This new method of teaching biochemistry draws inspiration from the hit show “Snowfall,” a series about the CIA’s involvement in a crack empire in Los Angeles in 1983. Chemistry Professor Beef EnCheddar said this will give biochemistry students an advantage in their field. 

“This is the sort of course I’ve been waiting to teach my whole career. To be competitive, we need these students to know how to run a successful drug empire,” EnCheddar said. “Isn’t that what being a liberal arts college is all about?”

Flint first-year Nino Salvaggio said they are excited to take the class. 

“I’m new to this place and all, but I watched the show a couple years back. This will definitely keep my attention,” Salvaggio said.

EnChedder said that students will take notes based on what they learn from watching the show and come up with their own thesis of how they might have done things differently than the protagonist.

The squirrels on the Quad said that they had plans to take the class during the fall semester and promptly begin business operations. 

“We wanna invest in Albion and this is our way of doing so. We have a successful business already with the Baldwin kitchen, so this would be the next step towards that,” one squirrel said. 

ART 995: METAMORPHOSIS

Head of the art department France Kavca said when he heard about the new biochemistry class, he was inspired. 

“Well, I think maybe they wanted to do something like what creatives like us do. So I thought, ‘Shoot, we should add a new class too,’” Kavca said. 

Kavca, along with several members of various fraternities on campus, came together to organize a paper-mache class. The course, ART 995, will be available through a Google Sheet sign-up and is set to start this upcoming fall semester. 

Kavca said students will recycle paper collected from frat floors to make projects centered around Albion College history. 

“I have a few students talking to me already with ideas, they’re so excited to take the class,” Kavca said. “One wants to make a series of paper-mache busts of past college presidents and another even wants to make a paper-mache alligator that will actually float down the Kalamazoo River.”

Kavca added that to compensate for their workload, one class out of the semester will end twenty minutes early, “since most art classes run for almost three hours.” 

“This opportunity comes at a good cost, and the added element of class ending early at least one time should encourage students to register for this course,” Kavca said.

MUSIC 103: Unconventional Instruments

After hearing about the art department’s decision, music department director Benny Jet was also inspired.

“I’m kinda tired of teaching the same four students and band kids how to perfect their craft, Jet said. “That, alongside Kavca’s revolutionary framework, helped me make my decision.” 

The music department will now offer instruction on a variety of new instruments available to play for credit, including the jawbone, stool, hawk beak and the Russian bassoon.

According to Jet, the department is welcoming a new professor familiar with these instruments. 

“Many students are already familiar with them, but we’re thrilled to have them officially join our staff nonetheless,” Jet said. “The resident raccoon living in front of Baldwin has accepted the offer to teach the art of these instruments.” 

Jet added that “The class is not charged as a whole credit to students’ accounts. Instead, the raccoon has asked for a distinct form of payment.” 

“Honestly, if you bring me three slices of pizza from Baldwin every class and stop feeding them squirrels, I’ll teach you whatever,” the raccoon said. 

The class is available every evening after Baldwin closes at 8 p.m. Rehearsals will take place in front of the Wesley Hall trash cans. 

SOCIOLOGY 485: Tarot in The Real World

In partnership with the sociology department comes an offer many will find hard to decline. 

For the small price of being talked down to, you can get psychoanalyzed at the Kellogg Center by the infamous and totally legitimate sociologist Harmonica Knight.

Knight has no sociology experience but has been seen holding hands with people around campus apparently administering tarot readings. 

Knight said she accepted the position with no hesitation.

“I saw an opportunity and I took it,” Knight said. 

This class will be administered as needed at any given time. To register for this class, simply run into Knight. 

“People need to know the truth about themselves. Go Brits!” Knight said. 

Paying for These New Course Offerings

The arrival of these new courses has already begun attracting attention towards each of these departments, but some students have voiced concerns about the cost. The numbers have yet to come in, but anonymous sources have noted that these additions will cost, collectively, around $1 million.

To pay for the move, college spokesperson Naomi Soup said, “The college will now be charging the squirrels to bury nuts across the quad.” 

“We don’t know exactly what these classes will contribute or even how fruitful they will be in future years,” Tone-E said. 

“What we do know is they are here to stay.”

About Naima Davenport 6 Articles
Naima Davenport is a first-year from Dallas, Texas majoring in English at Albion College. They enjoy reading as well as jewelry making. You can contact Naima at knd11@albion.edu

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