(Part of The Plebian: April Fool’s Edition)
Just moments ago, Brit Briton spoke to a large crowd of 27 Albion College students, staff and faculty on the steps of Kresge announcing his resignation as Albion College’s long-standing mascot.
“I’ve served my time,” said Briton. “You know when it’s time to go.”
The Taylor Swift reference in his speech went over nearly everyone’s head, but sad-to-be-graduating senior and Taylor Swift superfan Jordan Revenaugh, author of this article, did not miss it.
“It’s time for me to pass the baton,” Briton continued, using a metaphor most people don’t know is derived from relay races in track and field, the least attended of all collegiate sports aside from cross country (which is basically the same thing). “I have three people in mind who I think would make an amazing successor.”
The “people” Briton went on to mention were not humans at all. All three were farm animals: Clancy and Duff, Albion’s recently announced therapy goats, or a generic black squirrel.
Briton said his only hesitation with making the black squirrel Albion’s next mascot is their lack of professionalism and hair (due to mange. But don’t worry; it’s not rabies).
“I see them climbing out of trash cans all the time on campus,” said Briton. “I just don’t know if they have what it takes to fill this position and fill it well. They do look great in a mask, though. I’ll tell you that much.”
Briton went on to give a not-so-subtle hint to the Albion community to continue wearing masks. He then segued back to his point.
“Clancy I think would fill my shoes well,” said Briton. “Only issue is that he doesn’t have actual feet, but he’d do a good job in the position. Duff, though, I’m not so sure about.”
Duff was reached out to for comment but declined to speak as he is unable to. Clancy, however, was ecstatic at the prospect of the opportunity.
A quote from Clancy cannot be included due to his inability to speak English, but a student goat handler spoke on his behalf.
“Clancy would be honored to serve in this position,” said Britony Briton, a super senior from Albion who is also Brit Briton’s cousin. “I can see it now: The Albion G.O.A.T.s. It just has a nice ring to it.”
An official decision regarding Briton’s successor has not officially been made at this time given the recent nature of his departure. A decision is set to be made this Thursday, April 1.