Plebian: 2020 April Horoscopes

(Part of The Plebian: April Fool’s Edition)

April showers bring May flowers, and it’s time to see what the stars have in store for us this month with this extremely accurate horoscope forecast.

Aries: March 21 – April 19

“You will be tempted to create a toy army out of your little brother’s legos in the coming days. It is the closest you will get to having a real army anyways.”

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

“You are a strong-willed and powerful person, and we get that, but ease up on the protein milkshakes ok? You’re scaring everyone.”

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

“Things are looking pretty rough for you Gemini. It may be time to try eating a vegetable or two instead of turning your Mom’s potato into a houseplant.”

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

“You see that dog over there? It looks lonely, you should go give it some cuddles.”

Leo: July 23 – August 22

“It’s a stressful time for you Leo, but whatever you do, leave your luxurious mane alone. Nobody has ever heard of a Lion with bangs and purple hair, not even in Disney.”

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

“You long for love, and everyone around you is either getting engaged or having a baby. Take a break from the computer and your own systematic tendencies and just get another cat instead.”

Libra: September 23 – October 22

“There is such a thing as too much Yoga. My dear Libra, you shouldn’t be able to bend like that.”

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

“You never cried during that showing of “Cats” at the movie theater; don’t let the world break you now.”

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

“It’s time to take up a new hobby, and I don’t mean more puzzles of mushrooms. Seriously, why?”

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

“That bargain on Amazon isn’t really a bargain, it’s just a distraction from your chaotic social life, and that’s okay, Capricorn.”

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

“Is your job not really working out for you? Maybe it’s time for that back-up plan of yours. You know, Clown School?”

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

“I’m sorry you’re a fish. You breathe what you pee I guess.”