I never knew my basement was an archive for old editions of The Plebian until my mom pulled an old edition out of our storage room. Filled with nostalgic excitement, we thumbed through the stiff, yellowed pages of an edition published in 1987.
The following, an article titled Fantasy Facility Finished, was written for the 1987 edition by a Pleiad staff member under the pseudo-name of “Curious George Jockstrapper.”
The Recreational Sports Fieldhouse Complex Athletic Center Facility was dedicated at gala ball last night at Belleview Manor.
In his brief remarks, President Smell Mostvulgar called the facility his, “Magic Kingdom” and praised the Mold Me Club members for donating pennies towards the building’s construction. “This facility will prove to be virtually invaluable, a magic kingdom where innocent boys and girls can become men,” Mostvulgar said. He noted that Albion College ashtrays were on sale throughout the new complex to pay for the smelly flower arrangement, prepared by Enema’s House of Flowers.
In a surprise announcement, Excessive Vice President Jimmy Do-It revealed plans to name the center in memory of Moreplease Freezer, ex Albion coach and soon to be released patient at Belleview. Do-It sited Freezer’s whimsical air among other things that contributed to the decision. “This castle for dumb jocks marks the beginnings of fun and games here at Albion, as does Mr. Freezer’s release,” he said.
But fun and games are not what everyone is experiencing. A plethora of outspoken students have expressed loud concerns that the facility is hindering their education.
“I HAVE BEEN INJURED TWICE DURING THE CONSTRUCTION OF THIS BUILDING!!” yelled Prissy Void, Mediocre Rapids sophomore. “ONCE I FELL RIGHT INTO THE WHOLE THEY DUG FOR THE FOUNDATION,” he shouted. “IT WAS A FRIDAY NIGHT AND I HAD TO STAY THERE ALL WEEKEND!!”
Void threatened to sue for damages but the college did not believe him. Now he considers the time he spent in the pit off as therapeutic. “I REALLY GOT TO KNOW MYSELF!!” he said.
Other students have complained of similar mishaps. Slug Jerkoff, Farmboy Thrills senior, said he used to jog every morning around the old A Field. “I just can’t get used to the new facility. I’ll be jogging along and WHAM-right into the side of the building.” Jerkoff has caused excessive damage to the building, according to Ken Gungadin, Director of Whimsical Plant.
Despite these thorns in the administration’s side, most students welcome the Recreational Sports Fieldhouse Complex Athletic Center Facility. As Terry Cloth, Middle Lake senior, put it: “It sure beats having another gym.”