April Fool’s: Albion Introduces Dairy Year 2020

Coming to a campus near you: cows. (Photo by Evan Rieth.)

For the upcoming academic year, Albion College will restart its popular theme year programming. In past years, the college has implemented themes such as Sustainability and Global Diversity.

This year the theme will be Dairy.

Dairy Year 2020 is symbolic of the sixth mode of inquiry added to Albion’s academic catalog this past month: Agricultural Techniques and Analysis. This new mode of inquiry takes Albion’s “Hand’s-On Learning” to a new level, evidently one that, thank goodness, has cows on it.

All Albion College lawns will be grazed by cows.  

College President Anita Biernow hailed the theme year as one of the many ways Albion continues to set itself apart from other colleges in the Great Lakes Colleges Association.

“No other college has integrated a holistic grazing management system into their grounds maintenance plan,” she said. “We will be the first.”

Preparations for Dairy Year 2020 have already begun. The skylift that has recently been seen cleaning gutters has also been installing the chargers for the new electric fencing system that will enclose the Quad, which is set to be seeded into a timothy/alfalfa pasture mix the day after commencement.

The addition to Bonta admissions center, though first thought to be an expansion of the admissions office, has been rumored to be a new facility for cheese and yogurt-making. Large stainless steel tanks have been seen mooving into place.

For ease of daily milkings, each residence hall, fraternity building and apartment building will be outfitted with a milking parlor equipped with vacuum pump milkers and a pipeline milking system.

Albion’s Greek life has been an unexpected ally in the theme year. Rather than humans, heifers will be chosen as fraternity houses’ “sweethearts.”

Albion College Athletics has also been enthusiastic about the Dairy theme year. All Albion sports teams, including swimming, will compete on cowback.

Head Football Coach Howard M. Burgers expressed excitement for the bovines’ presence on the offensive line of the football team.

“With the addition of five heifers, we’re looking at a starting line weight of at least 5,000 pounds.”

For reference, the heaviest offensive line in the NFL is about 1,600 pounds.

Dairy theme year has also been implemented into Albion’s First Year Experience. Instead of receiving a commemorative coin at matriculation, each first-year student will receive a dairy cow.


About Evan Rieth 20 Articles
Evan Rieth is a mustached milkman. A senior at Albion majoring in Environmental Studies an English, you can find him milking cows, riding horses, and searching for the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe.

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