Albion To Market Itself As a Party School

(Part of the Plebian — April Fools’ Edition)

Colleges and universities all across the country strive to have their institution make the Princeton Best College list and other similar ones in order to gain prestige and attract prospective students. This week Albion College unveiled in a recent press release their plan to campaign for Top Party School on Underground University’s annual list.

“If you know anything about anything when it comes to finding party schools, that’s the site to go to,” said Monica McShwasted, a sixth-year from Hell, Michigan. “I tried all of the Midwest schools listed before coming [to Albion] and wow, we need to be on their site.”

The campaign has been three years in the making as Albion needed to increase enrollment to truly develop the party atmosphere.

“I think we really have a shot,” said Hojin Thumbson, Albion’s Associate Vice President of Marketing. “We ran this campaign by a lot of students to work out any way it could backfire. We sat on it for a while and now, you know, I think it’s ready. Albion’s ready. It’s different than your typical higher education campaign.”

The campaign highlights some of the ways Albion students exemplify the party life. The first highlight on their list was how early the downtown closed for the night. Need anything late at night? Doesn’t exist. What else says you’re truly wild like having everyone asleep before midnight?

The second reason Albion would be a top party contender takes this even further, since students can be seen out past midnight. Particularly, 2 a.m. around the library is when higher student traffic has been spotted. Students at the library until 2 a.m. is truly a sign this campus is lit.

If the campaign has not convinced Underground University yet, instead of getting room keys, which could be used to shotgun a beer, we just need student ID cards to get in our rooms. Now, we all regularly carry our ID’s which are good for helping pop the pesky tabs since our fingers are too sore from turning textbook pages. The fact we know what shotgunning a beer is clearly makes Albion a top contender.

“I think it is a bold move mentioning these secrets,” said Maurice Ditzy, Albion College’s President, or P. Ditzy, as he sometimes goes by. “But, it’s a great way to put ourselves out there and I can’t imagine a better way to promote the college.”

A bit of a party boy himself, P. Ditzy hosts an exclusive dessert series that takes place during the fall semester and has attracted all sorts of FYE class students required to attend – dressed to the nines or just in casual clothes.

“It was dope,” said Al Coholic, a first-year from Roadsville, Rhode Island. “I can’t remember much of it, especially since it was five months ago, but I can reveal… there was some good desserts.”

If the campaign examples aren’t enough to convince the nation and those in charge of naming the top party school, we encourage prospective students and the media to visit for themselves.


Photo Katie Boni

About Katie Boni 42 Articles
Katie is a senior from St. Clair, Michigan. She is a double major in English and communications who loves reading for fun, performing music, and dogs. She is part of the Honors Program and the Editor-In-Chief of The Albion Review. She looks forward to working in the book publishing field after graduation.

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