April Fool’s: La Rose Cancels, Slayer to Headline Big Show

Students were supposed groove at the Washington Gardner auditorium to performances by award-winning artists Natalie La Rose and Bryce Vine for Albion College’s 2017 Big Show. Both La Rose’s and Vine’s managers, however, abruptly canceled the concert yesterday, citing sudden illness in their clients. Instead, both strongly encouraged Union Board to consider Slayer to headline Albion’s largest campus celebration. Now, heads will bang Wednesday, April 12.

Casual music fans may remember attempting to shred through Slayer’s hit song “Raining Blood” on “Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock.” But to devout metalheads, the band means much more. Formed in 1981, the band rose to international fame with the release of their seminal album Reign in Blood, helping pioneer the thrash metal genre, bring metal music into the mainstream and spark hundreds of angry protests by devout religious groups for their lyrics of warfare, murder, the occult and Satanism.

“We thought Slayer would be the perfect band to help our students release their frustration as final exams draw closer and closer,” said President Dauri Mitzler. “So of course I approved the Union Board event! A little stage blood projectile can go a long way in helping a young adult release their repressed angst.”

Mitzler said he was ecstatic to see the sudden change. He plans to surgically fork his tongue like a snake’s for the performance and has been perfecting his screaming technique so that he may better sing along to the band’s songs.

“I really hope they play “Dead Skin Mask,” said Mitzler. “That double-bass pedal? Absolutely brutal.”

Before Slayer takes the floor, death metal band Morbid Angel and sludge metal band Bongzilla will be raring the mosh pits up. Then, a riveting sermon of the glory of God will be delivered by Intervarsity before the headliner appears.

Many departments will be celebrating with metal-inspired events. The Institute for Health Care Professions will be offering a session on treating a music-related earbleed. The Ford Institute will be studying the politics of cults. And, on the evening of the Big Show, Baldwin café will be serving bat heads as a tribute to Ozzy Osbourne.

“Am I excited for Slayer? You kidding me? Hell yeah!” shouted Baldwin’s marketing specialist Pane Showers, raising his hands in a ‘rock out’ sign above his head. “Slayerrrrrr!”

Tickets to the Big Show can be picked up for free in the Kellogg Center this week from 1-5 p.m. No guests or animal carcasses are allowed. Seats open at 7 p.m.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

(Part of the Plebian — April Fools edition)

About Beau Brockett Jr. 47 Articles
When free of homework, this third-year managing editor from Richmond, Michigan, can usually be spotted on campus running with his cross country teammates, listening to Spoon, or putting his budding love of racquetball to good use.

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