Albion professor Dr. Ronald Drumpf has made a breakthrough discovery that is sure to change college campuses and society alike. Working tirelessly since his tenure began this past summer, Drumpf has recently shared that he has found a cure for P.P.D. otherwise known as Persistent Procrastination Disorder.
“This is going to be huge”, said Drumpf. “College campuses have been taking too many losses, and this is our time to take back what is ours.”
Though it wasn’t exactly clear what Drumpf meant when he said “take back what is ours,” as a nation, the rates for P.P.D. have skyrocketed in recent years, with more than 60% of the general population and an alarming 98% of college students admitting to feeling symptoms of P.P.D.
Deonardo DiCrapio, a Boston sophomore, said that he feels the effects of P.P.D. weekly, whether it’s summing up the motivation to silence his alarm or to just unzip his backpack.
“It’s not easy” said DiCrapio, as we sat watching the sixth consecutive episode of Breaking Bad. “Some days I’m not even sure if I’ll have clothes to wear. I feel helpless. It’s been three weeks since I said I’d do my laundry.”
It’s students like DiCrapio whom Drumpf wants to help with his promise to “Make College Great Again.” Outlying exactly how he plans to cure the P.P.D. epidemic sweeping the nation, Drumpf said, “We’ve got to build a wall and not just any wall, a huge one. I’m talking about a wall between us and our distractions. Let me tell you about our distractions; they’re terrible, absolutely terrible, awful, awful things.”
Drumpf wasn’t extremely explicit about what distractions he plans to build a wall between, (or how he would do it) but he did specifically mention beds as the number one threat to our college education. “They’ve got to go, every last one of them. I don’t know who let them into our colleges, but I’ll tell you the first thing I’ll do when I become — I mean to fight this terrible P.P.D. I’ll tell them they’ve got to go back to wherever they came from. It doesn’t matter Sleepmaster, Posturepedic, Serta, all of them. I don’t care where they came from, but they’ve got to go back.”
And as a final point on whether he plans to do anything more to fight the rampant procrastination here on campus, Drumpf stated, “Well I can tell you here in Albion we’ve got this guy named D. Ave, and let me tell ya about that guy. Love the guy, great guy, but the kids, they get into all these shenanigans when they go to Ave’s, when they really should be going to my website to buy my new textbook. So I’m sorry Ave’s, but you’ve got to go.”
(Part of “The Plebian”—April Fools Edition)