Late Saturday evening, Albion police officers blocked entry to multiple fraternities for investigation of what has now surfaced to be a top secret, inter-fraternal pledge-fighting ring. Rescued pledges, drenched in Natty Light and each others’ tears, were grateful to be discovered early Saturday morning during the weekly involuntarily matchups. As it turns out, the road to brotherhood is not what they anticipated.
“I just feel…betrayed,” a rescued pledge blubbered between sobs. “This isn’t what I signed up for. I wanted to do community service and learn to be a better man!”
The underground operation, which took place every Saturday in various fraternity basements, began in late January shortly after first-year males had accepted their bids. The pledges names were placed into a complex algorithm that randomly paired the young men to fight, despite their weight and size.
“Do you see these arms? I weigh 130 pounds. I can’t help it that mom chose not to breastfeed me,” the victimized pledge began to cry. “The ATOs—they just sat on me. And I—I just laid there.”
Around 10pm, campus safety and the Albion Police station received worried calls from residents living in Whitehouse. Though students living in the Hannah Street residence have grown accustomed to the soundtrack of fraternity life perpetuating through their poorly insulated windows, the students reported the noise that particular evening to be abnormally loud. One worried student called after hearing an alarming scream coming from an unknown fraternity, “Please, I’m just a little boy!”
Around 2 A.M., before being taken into immediate questioning, victims of the fights were spotted outside of fraternities. The young freshman appeared frightened and emasculated, wearing nothing but small diapers with Carebears printed on the front. On the back, the word “BITCH” had been carefully embroidered in black threading.
Initiated fraternity members involved in the scandal were willing to speak on the matter but wished to remain anonymous.
“’The bond of our fraternal brotherhood is built upon three pillars: respect, loyalty and character,’” a senior fraternity member cited his fraternity’s oath while fist-pumping a nearby brother. “We had to recite that shit in a handstand while swallowing peanut butter. See how I know that. That’s what brotherhood is all about.”
Fortunately for existing Greek members, all fraternities were cleared on charges of hazing. The presiding judge in Calhoun County court saw that that the young men were all engaged in some solid “character-building.”
Photo via Snapchat