Campus Safety officials released a statement on Monday, March 30 regarding a shocking outbreak of Chronic Bitch Face (CBF) on campus.
“Students should be wary of CBF symptoms–these includes icy stares and delusion of self-worth. You may know someone who already exhibits one of these behaviors who is not infected–but CBF carriers will show both to a daunting degree. Stay clear of their Instagram and Twitter accounts, visual self-branding is the number one contagion.”
Students all over campus–from Burns Street Apartments to the Goodrich Club, should be on the lookout for carriers. Naif Much, a Bloomfield Hills sophomore, spoke to us about a friend whom she lost to CBF recently.
“I just feel so alone. She was my best friend. We complained about our snobby roommates together and even had the same pair of One Star Converse from Target. Then one day she stopped texting me back and I ran into her at the gym during my weight training class. She had on Nike Free 5.0s and LuluLemon leggings I had never seen before (they were really cute). She gave me one of the iciest stares I have ever been victim to. I’m so scared she will turn into a zombie or overdraft her debit card at Top Shop’s online store. God help this campus.”
NPR could not be reached for comment on if CBF is a nationwide or even worldwide threat. According to a recent report by Fox News, CBF has already been around since the Clinton Administration was in office and is not a threat to anyone outside of The United States. The Pleiad was able to do an exclusive talk with a carrier over the phone. Sahl T. Easfuq, a Grosse Pointe Park senior, gave us the scoop on what the pain level is for a victim of CBF.
“I wake up every day and feel about twenty times more amazing than ever before. I don’t wear makeup anymore because I don’t think I need it. I don’t need anything to travel around campus besides my workout clothes and a water. Nowadays, I’ve been hanging out in my room in Whitehouse a lot. It just feels purer there than most places on campus. I have a single thankfully, so I spend most of my time sorting through my Instagram followers to assure there is a large discrepancy between the people I follow and my followers. My Gerstacker concentration helps a lot with the numbers part. I also never go to Baldwin anymore because food is for peasants and fat people. Gross.”
While CBF can affect just about anyone these days, there are certain locations to avoid while the threat of contracting the disease is present. These include: the cardio area of The Dow, fraternity basements and morning classes. While doctors are currently working in non-animal testing labs, they still have not found a way to make Chronic Bitch Face a non-chronic condition. Steering clear of risk factors can potentially save your face.
Photo by Spencer White
This is the truth.