By Clare Kolenda
Albion officials reopened an investigation on the microburst that affected the Albion community on Sept. 11, 2013, which has been notoriously named “Hurricane Albion”. The storm, which demolished homes, collapsed power lines, and shook residents and college students alike, was discovered not to be caused by a freak of nature, but by something more deadly than Mother Nature herself. New information revealed that the official story of microburst was a cover up for a zombie attack.
An investigation was opened after a video was released that depicts a portal to Hell opening at the corner of Hannah and Cass streets, from which dozens of zombies poured forth. The video then shows four Albion College campus Safety officers fighting off a group of more than 50 zombies. In the midst of the battle, demonic forces cause debris to fly everywhere, bend trees to the point of breaking, and spontaneously created inclement weather. According to Albion Public Safety officials, the video shows the zombie hellspawn were unable to defeat the officers and retreated toward Victory Park, taking down any trees in their path. The battle lasted less than an hour—within the exact timeline of the “microburst”.
While the video shows the battle taking place at the corner of Hannah and Cass, the effects of the attack were felt by everyone in the community.
The Campus Safety officers said they didn’t report the incident as a zombie takeover in order not to “induce unnecessary panic.”
“Our team of trained officers assessed the situation and was able to battle this threat to the campus with skill and precision. Our guys have been training for something like this for years,” Officer Alfalfasprouts said in a public statement.
The video was first released by a student of Albion. The student chose to remain anonymous, but said that they were unable to hide the secret any longer. “I wanted to share this information with everyone else on campus. It didn’t feel right hiding it.”
The student spotted the battle from the Kellogg Center, as he was taking shelter from the storm.
“Everyone else seemed too distracted to notice what was happening outside. I was too scared to say anything. It was in that moment I realized that in all my years of learning at Albion, I still didn’t have a plan for if the zombie’s attacked.”
The student plans on starting a petition for a zombie training class. “Next time something like this happens on campus, I want to be ready and prepared.”
Officials say they plan on investigating this incident in order to conclude the best procedures in the event of another attack taking place. They will also work on creating a better plan of informing students and residents when an attack occurs. Officials concluded by saying that zombie apocalypse preparedness plans are just like any other disaster preparedness plans, except one must account for weaponry capable of destroying zombies’ brains.
“Remember, always keep a first-aid kit stocked, keep enough food for yourself and your family to last at least a week, a safe room to take shelter in, and preferably a blunt melee weapon capable of repeatedly bashing in human skulls. It’s just common sense, people.”
Photo by Spencer White