On April 1, 2013, terror struck Albion College’s campus. The long-standing cadaver lab finally fell in Kresge, and, with it, came deadly results.
“I don’t know what happened,” said Ned Nerd, lab technician. “I was just doing some research, and they started groaning. I ran to the door, and when I turned around they were sitting up and snarling at me.”
Fortunately for Nerd, he was able to escape, but others weren’t so lucky. The corpses were soon discovered to be zombies, and no one knows how they came alive.
“I miss him so much,” said Lars Macho, Albion College rugby team captain. “I was just taking my poor little guinea pig Squeaky out for a walk when suddenly this naked man just jumped on him and started to eat Squeaky alive!”
Macho attempted to save Squeaky by taking off his pair of Crocs and throwing them at the zombie, but despite Macho’s attempts, Squeaky squeaked for the last time.
“I’ll never forget Squeaky,” Macho said. “I’m going to find that Nerd and pummel him to pieces if it’s the last thing I’ll ever do.”
The zombie outbreak affected more than just poor Squeaky. The zombies, used to horribly tasting flesh, flooded Baldwin in order to find their peculiar taste.
“They were everywhere,” said Joanna Sloppy, Baldwin employee. “They kept going after the meatloaf, which is really odd because usually no one touches our meatloaf.”
Once the zombies devoured the meatloaf, they then went to the Whitehouse Nature Center.
“I don’t understand why they came here,” said Ranger Ranger, nature center ranger. “Suddenly, they were everywhere. A whole horde of them! I ran into my cabin and covered up any proof I was there from the outside. Once I heard them leave, I went outside and saw dead animals everywhere!”
Instead of doing his job, Ranger hid in his cabin like he was an Adrian College alumnus. As a result of Ranger’s cowardice, dozens of deer carcasses littered the Nature Center.
No one knows where the zombie horde is now. We can only hope that they took over the Snack Shop in town.
Photo Courtesy of WikiCommons