It all happened when the squirrels came out for spring in Albion. Everyone was finally overcoming the flu and any other sickness they may have had. On Wednesday, March 27, Albion student Mris Cantay became patient zero of a new outbreak. Now Chris has had a friendly pet squirrel in Albion named Mark Ruffalo for quite some time now, so feeding his squirrel seemed appropriate. However, Mantay’s friend had contracted the H2-N1 virus over winter.
This virus, known as “squirrel flu”, turns people very vicious, very sneaky and very deadly.
“You know it just seemed normal because I always have fed him, so Mark came up all cute to get some food, then jumped at my face and bit me,” Cantay said.
Cantay is in critical condition at a local hospital.
Many students and professors have been wondering what the cause of this virus is and why it arrived in Albion. Political Science professor Grandrew Arossman had a very logical approach.
“It’s the darn salt that the school has been using I’m tellin’ ya,” Arossman said. “They got this new salt that doesn’t hurt bugs, and not only does it not melt the snow, but in the spring it causes the squirrels to get this virus.”
Maybe we should have listened to Arossman a while ago. Biology student Dott SesSosiers provided some very whacky and disillusioned answers.
“Well, it’s just another virus, but in this country, you’ll see billions of dollars in profits made before people finally forget about how stupid this uproar is,” SesSosiers said.
You never know when you may come across squirrel flu. A squirrel could bite you, you may get it from someone’s saliva, or sharing needles could result in squirrel flu. Nonetheless, it is a very dangerous matter and all students should be keeping their eyes open.