Satire Blog: Student eats at Baldwin, discovers secrets of the universe

Baldwin. You know it, you love it and you most certainly cannot live without it. This fine dining establishment, where students hailing from places near such as Whitehouse to faraway places such as Wesely or Mitchell Towers come to feed, is the central hub of the Albion College experience. This building serves as both a place for students to fill their stomachs as well as exchange gossip about the recent goings-on for the campus. However, one student by the name of Indy A. Jones, a senior from the Temple of Doom, India, has discovered a far more incredible and profound function of this already incredible and profound establishment: the central location of all of the knowledge of the universe.

Jones was simply eating lunch and talking with his friends about the weather when all of a sudden, all of the knowledge of the universe was poured directly into his mind. Whether the stars had aligned and some prophecy had been fulfilled, whether Jones was simply in the right place at the right time, or maybe the sixth helping of country-fried steak that he was eating at the moment was the cause of this, no one can say. What can be said is that Jones now knows literally everything there is to know about everything, and this reporter really needs his help on picking numbers for a lottery ticket.

Upon finally catching up to Jones to ask for an interview about his new found knowledge and which numbers would yield the highest amount of money, the only response given to this reporter was, “You cannot hope to comprehend my knowledge, mortal.” Jones then began speaking in tongues and left the interview.

Fortunately, this reporter was able to interview friends of Jones. One such friend, a Hometown senior by the name of John Ramsey-Louis, said, “The things he knows are just freaky. One day, the guy can barely even tell you what a sno-cone was, yet the next he’s explaining thermodynamics, the origin of the moose and a detailed history of the formation of the planet Jupiter.”

Clearly Jones’s newfound intelligence is not a falsehood, and can also be attributed to his experience with the fountain of knowledge known to us pitiful normal humans as “Baldwin Dining Hall.” This phenomenon of epic proportions should be sectioned off and examined more closely by qualified officials (i.e. conspiracy theorists, proponents of extraterrestrial life, and Tom Cruise) to determine its true nature. Whatever the case, it is clear that the monument formerly known as “Baldwin” serves a much higher function than simply doling out food.

Photo courtesy of Matilda Hanningtatch

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