Satire Blog – Inside the Mind of a Fraternity Pledge


Oh boy! I can’t believe I actually went through with it and signed my bid to a fraternity. Its pledge day at last and I can finally start getting to know the guys at the house a lot better. This is going to be so much fun. I’m slightly confused as to why the actives emailed me to wait out in the woods with a dry towel and two raw eggs, but it’s probably just some crazy scheme they’ve cooked up. I just hope they get here to pick us up soon, it’s pretty cold out.


No big deal, they probably have a lot of things to do to get ready for my pledge brothers and me. We’re starting to hit it off at least, if for nothing else to talk about how cold we are. The towels do make good blankets, but we still have no idea what the eggs are for. If literally anyone from the house were to come walk us back, like they said they would yesterday, that’d be pretty cool.


They were hiding in the bushes literally the entire time. With what I can only assume was the largest supply of water balloons in the history of the world. At least now the towels are explained. Wow, it’s so cold out. I have to wonder how long those actives were out waiting for us. Were they stalking us the whole time while wearing camouflage? That’s kind of messed up, but at least they’re taking us back to the house now to meet the rest of the members.


Holy cow, THAT was a senior? I had no idea the actives were keeping a monster like that chained up in their house. At least it was obvious as to why they nicknamed him “Killdozer.” If I had that many pieces of metal on me, I’d probably get called something like that too. All he ever really said to me was “hold on to your eggs, you filthy pledge!” and then threw a bed at me, frame and all. I had no idea anger gave you that much strength. At least my eggs are still intact. One of the actives is telling me it’s time to meet the rest of the house. I hope this goes better than Killdozer…


If you had told me a few weeks ago that I would spend my Saturday being yelled at by a group of people only slightly less agitated than a charging rhinoceros, I would have called you crazy. However, it turns out you’re not crazy. It’s just everyone else in this house that is. I got to meet members such as “Chokeslam” and “Ragecase”, who both live up to their names in a spectacular fashion. I’ll have these bruises for weeks. I’m so glad the meet and greet is over, now all we have to do is some kind of welcoming ritual.


I don’t ever think what I’ve witnessed will ever truly leave my mind. The fire extinguishers were funny enough, but did we really need all of the chocolate syrup? All of the confetti was just making the entire situation worse, that’s for sure. None of what has happened today has told me why I’m still carrying around two raw eggs on me. Did the actives plan all of this or are they making it up as they go along? Whatever the case, I’ve never seen grown men scream this much before. Usually people who yell like that are getting ready to attack. Oh no, please don’t tell me that’s what’s going to-


I’m never eating eggs ever again for the rest of my life.


While writing this, I feel like I should add a disclaimer. The article above is a parody article and is in no way, shape or form affiliated with the pledging process of ANY fraternity on Albion’s campus or any other campus to the best of my knowledge.  All of the content in the article was made up off the top of my head as I coasted through yet another sleepless night desperately trying to put off any homework which I had been assigned.

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