First-Year Starved to Death – Too Embarrassed to Eat Alone

First-year Steven Glandsberg was found dead in his room the morning of Thursday March 29. According to official reports, the cause of his death is starvation.

“We couldn’t find anything in his stomach,” said Dr. Dick Hanus, chief of medicine at Oaklawn Hospital. “It’s pretty clear that the cause of death was Steve not eating anything.”

Glandsberg lived in a single in Wesley. Next to his corpse a letter was discovered.

“Dear family,

Hello, I am sorry to tell you this, but by the time you read this I will most likely be dead. Though I was able to ration the pop tarts, ramen, and Easy Mac that you gave me for a month, after that I was left to starve.

Now you’re probably wondering to yourself, why didn’t he simply get food at Baldwin.

Well…I was unable to make any friends here.

I don’t know why, but no one likes me. It might because I’m too nervous to shower here and smell. Or maybe because I forgot to pack more than one set of clothes.

Either way, living by myself I found myself completely alone here.

Now parents, grandma, grandpa, Mr. Whiskers, I’m sorry but I would rather die than to face the shame of going alone to eat at Baldwin.

Parents, please take care of my chia pet, we’ve been through too much together for it to be thrown away.

I would like my funeral to be Battlestar Galactica themed, with my coffin being made of the Viper Starship. Guests must come in typical attire of the Gersbergerslickomoo alien species. This includes wearing a thong on the outside of dress pants and a garbage bag for a shirt. Of course it wouldn’t be a Gersbergerslickmoo uniform without a scuba mask.

I’m sorry everyone, I’ll see you on the other side.

Love, Stevey

P.S. Mom, remember when you were cleaning my bed sheets and I told you it was from my sandwich? Well…I don’t even like mayonnaise. Sorry.

Counseling is set up for the loss of Glandsberg starting Sunday April 1. All student are directed to go to the Counseling center across from Wesley.

It seems that many did not know of Glandsberg, even in his own hall.

“There was someone next to me?” said Trent Van Plan, Troy first-year and neighbor to Glandsberg. “I just thought some animal got in and died there, that’s why it smelled so bad. Too bad for what’s-his-face, Glandsberg? I mean all he had to do is muster the courage and go to Baldwin alone.”

About Joshua Van Laan 39 Articles
Josh Van Laan is currently a sociology major from Clinton Township.

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