Earlier this week, the Albion College Board of Trustees announced the sale of Albion’s campus in order to begin a new chapter in Albion’s existence.
“We think that Albion College needs to move forward with technology,” said Margaret Thatcher, chairwoman of Albion’s Board of Trustees. “And the best way to do so is, obviously, to build a blimp to function as our new campus.”
And build they shall. Albion College has begun to garner money for their most grandiose adventure of all time, but the administration is trying a new method for fundraising.
“Just selling the campus alone would never be enough money to fund an airship of this size,” said Scrooge McDuck, chairman of the blimp’s fundraising committee.
McDuck added that there was an attempt to burn down the equestrian center and collect on the insurance, but later corrected himself claiming he was just horsing around.
“But it just wouldn’t work,” McDuck said. “The next logical conclusion was to start robbing banks.”
By sending out groups of two, three or four faculty members at a time, Albion has begun to scour the countryside of Michigan for banks and safes with lax security. And, if the current trend of money thieving continues, one might assume it’s working quite well.
“Oh, it’s a lot of fun,” said Dr. Butch Cassidy, professor of gun-gunnery in the recently created firearms department. “I mean, we’re typically stuck in a laboratory all day, so robbing banks is definitely an improvement.”
As money for construction material has begun to pour in, students are now allowed to donate no less than 10 hours of forced, manual labor a day to building the blimp.
The gigantic purple and gold balloon can be seen in the middle of the quad—with The Rock being used as an anchor, of course—and the finished project expected to be able to house every student and faculty member on campus.
“It will be cramped, yes,” said Rear Admiral Moffett, the captain of the airship. “But I have faith that nothing could go possibly wrong.”
Albion’s Admission Office is incredibly excited about the adjustment, too.
“Just think of how easy it will be to reach prospective students,” said Helen Lane, one of Albion’s admissions counselors. “We can, literally, bring the campus to the students. And, what’s better, they won’t be able to turn us down [or leave] once we’ve got them on board.”
The Admission Office isn’t the only group excited about the change, though; Campus Programs and Organizations are proud to announce the creation of several new organizations on campus: “Helium Addicts Anonymous,” “Coalition Opposing Candles and Knitting,” “Air Guitar Ensemble,” and “The Mile High Club.”
Photo provided by Pearson Scott Foresman, Wikimedia Commons.
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