The Albion College campus was in a state of utter chaos during the annual St. Patrick’s Day holiday.
Albion Campus Safety had to call the Albion Public Safety to aid them in quelling the pandemonium. Despite the efforts of APS and Campus safety, the college had to resort to calling the Detroit Police riot squad to assist in calming the havoc.
“We though that, with the help of the Police department we would be able to handle anything that they could throw at us,” said Ben Lieder, director of campus safety. “Boy were we wrong.”
During the mayhem that was Albion College students, cars were flipped and set on fire. A majority of the dorm buildings including Wesely, Twin and White house were filled with the smell of cigarette smoke, as students ignored the strict law instituted by the State of Michigan which bans cigarettes in indoor facilities.
The fraternities were quite literally untouchable; a group of fraternity members from various houses procured a barrel of gasoline and poured it around every fraternity house on campus. They then proceeded to light the gasoline on fire, creating a wall of impenetrable fire, effectively protecting them from the enforcement by campus safety or Albion Police.
Various members of fraternities continually fed the fire throughout the day.
“It was absolutely amazing; the wall of fire was so high and none of the police or riot squad could do anything about it!” said an unnamed Albion female student. “It’s a good thing that [campus safety] called in all those other guys because they didn’t stand a chance!”
Two freshman were apprehended after climbing to the top of the Goodrich Chapel and hanging a sign that read ‘DONNA SCANDAL” with a rather crude depiction of the president. Their names were not included to protect them from the inevitable ridicule that they would undoubtedly receive from peers.
Many members of the equestrian team were seen riding their horses through out campus with water guns known as “super soakers” spraying innocent students with sour milk and what has been described as horse urine mixed with blue food coloring so as to give it a green hue.
Around 5 p.m. football players were seen, painted head to toe in green paint, tackling innocent bystanders. Numerous victims of these attacks reported shattered spines and severe whiplash.
“I wasn’t even running away from them, I was just running to avoid all the recklessness,” said an unnamed student. “The last thing I remember doing was running to my dorm and then I woke up in the hospital and now I can’t move anything below my waist.”
By roughly 9 p.m. the authorities had brought about relative harmony throughout the campus. There were riot squad members patrolling the streets and stationed at every dorm. The only members of the campus that were still effectively “raging” were the fraternities.
The chief of APS pleaded with the fraternities to send out the presidents and risk managers from each house to negotiate. At around 10:30 the fraternities complied in a sense. According to my sources every member of every fraternity gathered in the ally that connects all of them and planned a revolt against the authority figures.
They all rushed through the fire clad in green paint and kilts and attacked everyone in sight. They apparently did not realize that kilts are a Scottish tradition. Though it was a valiant effort for the member of the Greek community, it took the authorities a mere 3 hours to fend them off.
By the next day there were a total of 582 arrests coupled with 1,294 MIP’s issued
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