Satire Blog — Students Continue to Wear Sunglasses at Night; Injuries Run Rampant

Nighttime on Albion College’s campus: a time where students who are finally free of their academic commitments can take the time to venture outside of their rooms and visit their friends in different parts of the campus.

This once fun and leisurely activity is now marred by a rash of broken noses, scraped elbows, and bruised knees as students increasingly make the decision to wear sunglasses at night, thus making it so they cannot see more than one inch in front of their faces. Numerous reports have been filed of students walking head-on into objects such as doors or trees. They find themselves tripping over curbs, steps, and in extreme cases, the other students about three feet ahead who had tripped and fallen moments earlier.

The reason for all of these incidents can be directly attributed to the vision impairment caused by the wearing of tinted sunglasses during hours of the night where vision conditions are already limited. In order to better understand why students would willingly subject themselves to this bizarre and inconvenient punishment, this reporter interviewed Gerald I. Joe, a student who regularly wears his sunglasses at night.

“Students such as me wear these sunglasses at night to show that we can look just as cool while wearing them at night as we do during the day,” Joe said. “Sure, you might not be able to see anything at all, but then again you don’t have to. It’s what everyone else sees that counts.”

Joe, ironically, will be unable to wear his sunglasses at night due to the broken nose he sustained two nights earlier. The injury occurred when Joe, due to his sunglasses, was unable to see that he was in fact not walking on the walkway anymore and that the “friend” he was rushing to greet was actually a brick wall to the side of the Kellog Center. Despite this injury, Joe plans to return to wearing his sunglasses at night as soon as humanly possible. Apparently breaking your nose with sunglasses on at night is still exponentially cooler than breaking your nose without the sunglasses.
Whether or not this trend in late night sunglass wearing will continue is uncertain. However, it is now clear that sunglasses pose a threat to the student body, and should be closely regulated.

Photo Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

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