Satire Blog — Students Study Too Hard on Weekends; Public Safety Officials Have Their Hands Full

Here at Albion College, the students and staff have long prided themselves on the fact that they are always thinking, devoting every day of the week and weekend to study and the pursuit of knowledge. However, in a recent rash of incidents, students have been attempting to think and learn too much, particularly over the weekends. Public Safety officials have had their hands full breaking up multiple events per night in which many students were studying in excess and at rates which were far beyond their limits.

Reports have been filed of students lining up rows of flashcards, often more than five at a time, and attempting to learn all of the information on them as quickly as possible. Students have also been attempting “bookstands,” in which they perform handstands over their open textbooks until they cannot take it anymore in hopes that the increased blood flow to their brains will help with the digestion of knowledge. This reporter had the chance to catch up to one of these late night study animals, Cluck Birdsly, a hometown third year student, in between his reading rows of PDF articles to obtain a better understanding of why students are studying so frequently.

“I don’t understand what the big deal is with this,” said Birdsly. “What’s so bad about slamming a couple books and getting seriously intelligent over the weekend? We purchased these research materials fairly and have the right to use them as we see fit.” Birdsly has since been charged with four different cases of open intelligence as well as possessing a common reading library in his room.

It is not clear as to whether or not this trend of hardcore late night studying will slow down as the semester progresses. It is also clear that it is extremely difficult if not impossible to regulate the amount of study materials bought by students who are old enough to make the online purchases. It looks like the students who truly desire to learn will find a way to do so no matter what.

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