Satire Blog — Albion student morale crippled as squirrel sightings decrease

The winter season is upon us and with the winter, comes the inevitable hibernation of one of the planet’s most majestic creatures: the black squirrel.

Being a very prominent and much adored animal species, the hibernation of these animals have crippled the morale of the student body, many of whom chose to attend this college in large part because of the squirrels populating the area. Now that the hibernation period has begun, the surreal sights of these beautiful animals diving head-first into garbage cans, leaping from tree branch to tree branch to fight birds and throwing nuts at the students who are unfortunate enough to have incurred their wrath will not be witnessed. Without these perfect displays of the animal kingdom’s greatest treasure, students begin to question the meaning of their lives and their schooling.

“All of the faculty and facilities were fantastic and everyone was so welcoming, but the second I saw those squirrels eating garbage I knew I had to attend this college,” says Longjohn Johnson, a student of the college and avid squirrel enthusiast. “Without them, it’s too depressing for me to even go outside. I haven’t left my room in eight days.”

While rare sightings of this great beast still provide some rays of hope, it won’t be long until even these hardiest of squirrels resign to hibernation. When that happens, the students shall be in for a saddening, painful, squirrel-less winter.

Photo Credit: ( – courtesy of Wikimedia Commons)

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.