The Caffeine Deprivation Experiment: Day Three


Today was a bit different. All of the energy I had yesterday is gone. I am now a zombie who lumbers from one side of campus to the other. A grouchy, cantankerous undead-student who pretends to be friendly, but would rather skewer your eyeballs on a shish kebob and then throw them at others. You could say I’ve died from lack of caffeine. Despite my current state, being part of the legion of dead is the least of my worries. My main concern are those goddamn elves.

Let me explain. I woke up this morning with an unceasing pain in my neck and head. The Caffeine-Deprivation Elves were having an unwelcome clogging party inside my skull. I could imagine them in their little wooden shoes (that all elves possess) singing Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville. This was just ridiculous. I had to end their little rave, so I downed two Motrin and went to Bio. That will teach those damn elves because, as we all know, elves are deathly allergic to Motrin.

Biology was Hell on earth (as a zombie, I now have comparative knowledge). Sneeze after sneeze after sneeze continued to pour forth from the girl right behind me. These were not fits of sneezing separated by a pause of several minutes. No, this was a five-minute long constant stream of sneezes. How do you tell someone to end a bodily function? It’s not like telling the idiot at lunch to chew with their mouth closed; people can’t control their sneezing, unlike controlling their mouths. Like Jesus, I will just have to rise above it.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.