Student Group Shows Their TALONS — Student group forms in reaction to BOT mandate

While protective vertebrate adaptations such as horns, claws and antlers have always been commonplace in Kresge laboratories, a new apex predator wielding epidermal defense has been sighted campus-wide.

Formed following the BOT rejection of the faculty motion, student group Tenured Advocacy Legion of Non-apathetic Students (TALONS) is on the prowl for professors’ sake, according to Emma Leader, New Orleans senior and TALONS co-founder.

“TALONS is a pro-active group,” Leader said. “Our goal is to stop the elimination of tenured faculty members and oppose the poor decision made by the Board of Trustees to make cuts. We won’t retract our talons until the BOT sees this is a serious concern that we, TALONS members — nay, the entire student body — will oppose at all costs.”

An initial meeting was held by TALONS committee members at the Coffeehouse on April 1. Leader chalked the TALONS mission statement in caps on the blackboard, “Not Gonna Happen”.

TALONS announced that a week of events would lead up to a strongly-worded email to Board of Trustee members. Events scheduled for the week include “ponytails for professors,” when all students whose hair is long enough will make a fashion statement through combed coifs, and a day of silence for those tenured positions that will be cut.

According to Susie Follows, Grosse Pointe first-year and member of TALONS, the initial meeting hosted by TALONS set the standard for future action.

“The Board can’t ignore our legion of ponytails and silence,” said Follows. “The Board and administration will realize that we, the students, the student body, and the student population have a collective voice that resounds like Lady Gaga, and we will be heard.”

Funke Tobias, speaking on behalf of the BOT, had mixed emotions about the group.

“We’re obviously upset that students felt the need to take such drastic actions,” said Tobias. “But at the same time, it doesn’t make a difference. At all.”