Making the Moats of it – Albion isolates campus

Upon the completion of commencement ceremonies on May 8, the Board of Trustees will take the first steps – or dig the first holes – of a campus-wide moat. The moat was designed to keep intruding locals –or “townies” – off campus and to protect the privacy of the 90-acre campus.

“Really, all that we’re doing is thinking about the safety of our students,” said Glen Ryder, director of Campus Safety. “We’re always thinking…about student safety.”

Ryder cited past social events where the “townies” felt it was within their Constitutional rights to break into fraternity houses, the college dorms, and even eat lunch at Baldwin’s outside patio as reasons for the moat.

“Yeah, I had lunch with a townie once,” said Blanca Cheque, Grosse Pointe freshman. “I thought it was a student until he gave me his home address and phone number. I never called him.”

In addition to its practical uses, President Ronna Dandall believes the moat will improve the aesthetic identity of the campus, as Albion will be the only college in the United States to have an aqueous barrier between the student and local populations.

“It’s kind of like Harry Potter, what with the wizards keeping themselves apart from the Muggles,” said Dandall. “I wonder how much a giant squid would cost.”

The moat will be constructed as a square instead of the more common circular form as a representation of Albion’s forward thinking educational style. It will run from the corner street where the Norris Science Center stands to the perimeters of the Dow.

On the slim off-chance a student or group choose to leave campus, they would be transported across the moat on a small ferry by a border patrol officer who would then further accompany them to their destination.

“As a little guy, I feel extremely insecure about walking around downtown Albion at night,” said Justin Samberg, Berkeley sophomore. “Now, if I want to go out with some friends, I’ll be guided there safely – on a boat mother fucker!”

Though a definite completion date for the moat has yet to be announced, Dandall expects construction to begin as soon as the last graduating senior is handed a diploma.

“I just can’t wait for the Princeton Review to come,” said Dandall. “I want to wipe the floor with Vassar. They don’t have a moat.”

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