Wanted: Landshark

Bryan Gundersand’s, Grosse Pointe senior, hard work ethic and natural talent have given him many looks by professional baseball scouts as a possible entry in the 2010 MLB draft.

When MLB doctors conducted standard blood and DNA testing on him, however, they discovered something unusual in his results which deemed him ineligible to play at the professional level.

“I’ve never used performance enhancers, or at least that I knew about,” Gundersand said. “I was really confused when they told me that I was ineligible.”

Tests found that performance enhancers were far from the doctors reasoning, rather issues with his DNA’s genetic compound.

When further testing was conducted, doctor discovered that his results were due to a situation that they have never dealt with before: Gundersand is, genetically, 1/4 shark.

“It turns out that I am actually an invertebrate,” Gundersand said. “Everything started to make sense after that, considering that I have never broken a bone and my style in both swimming and pitching is somewhat unconventional.”

The news came as no surprise to his coach.

“It only makes sense that an invertebrate could throw a baseball the way that he does,” said Scott Busden, varsity baseball coach. “His spine rotation and arm slot allow him to hide the ball back in his stands, and release it at an unreasonable point; only someone without a spine could do that.”

Now that Gundersand has been deemed ineligible to play professional sports, questions have been raised as to whether his career as a college athlete should be eradicated as well.

With Gundersand currently holding four school records in swimming and being awarded all MIAA second team twice in baseball, conference foes have found his newly discovered genetic makeup as a way of gaining back points in the conference title.

“If I throw a sea bass in the pool to swim matches for me next year, I’m pretty sure his records wouldn’t count; why should it be any different to have a shark on the team?” said Mark Buchta, Hope College swimming coach. “Next thing you know we’re going to have cougars running the 100-meter dash in the Olympics.”

Sports still remain to be a passion of Gundersand’s, and he currently plans to play out the remainder of the baseball season while the NCAA makes a ruling on his eligibility.

Gundersand believes that his DNA shouldn’t be a factor in whether or not he should play.

“I’m still 3/4 human, and I worked just as hard as any other athlete to get those records,” Gundersand said.

Due to regulations against non-humans playing professional sports, Gundersand has looked to other option to pursue as a career.

Currently, Gundersand is applying for veterinary school and is in close contact with The World Wildlife Federation for the advancement of animal rights for sea creatures.

Gundersand hopes that one day Congress will pass a bill to denote equal opportunities for all animals in professional sports.

At press time, the NCAA was looking for Gundersand to determine his conviction; however, Gunderand could not be reached. Sources say Gundersand has skipped town and is swimming with sharks.

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