The few. The proud. The Britons.

New recruits perform push-ups as part of Albion's new strategy.
New recruits perform push-ups as part of Albion's new strategy.

Despite reports, Albion’s smaller class size next year is not a result of budget cuts, poor PR or moldy residence hall buildings. The small class size is actually a result of a new recruiting campaign inspired by the United States Army old slogan: An Army of One.

“A small, close-knit band of brothers is the perfect way to unify the Albion College community,” said Ronna Dandall, Albion College president. “Fewer students means fewer student-related problems, which means the administration can shift their focus to more important issues.

Devin Dropf, director of admissions, believes that the new recruiting campaign will help Albion appeal to hard working and disciplined students. Albion already has an incentives package for military veterans, but now they’re trying for new recruits. Albion is shooting for twelve students in their next class and already has three commitments.

“In recent years we’ve had problems dealing with students challenging the status quo, such as making loud noises along the train tracks and constantly painting the rock,” Dropf said. “With the Army campaign, we can recruit more disciplined, single-minded students who won’t bend the rules.”

Albion is even considering hiring actor Gary Sinise to do commercials for the school. Sinise currently does the Army recruitment commercials and received the Presidential Citizen Medal for his work with the armed forces.

“If you have a son or daughter who’s considering becoming a Briton, listen to your kid,” said Sinise in a statement released by his agent. “You made them strong, we’ll make them Albion Strong.”

In addition to the Army of One campaign, Albion is also changing the SOAR program to reflect the new recruiting theme. SOAR will now consist of a four-week-long boot camp starting this summer. The first SOAR session will begin at 0800 hrs on July 1.

“A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and the class of 2013 will not be the weakest link,” said Major General Robert K. McDougle, one of the SOAR leaders.

According to Dandall, the college is also considering whether or not to change the way students are ranked according to class year at Albion to keep with the Army theme.

“First-years will be lieutenants, sophomores will be captains, juniors will be majors and seniors will be colonels,” Randall said. “And from now on my new title will be General Ronna Dandall.”

Other changes the school is planning on making include playing a bugle at 0500 hrs, issue every student an M1 rifle and offer “internships” in Baghdad and Kabul.

“The class of 2013 are going to be a special group of students,” said Major General Wally Salker, dean of students. “The class of 2013 is going to be the first class to learn some discipline at this college.”

While most of the new recruits are looking forward to the challenge of being a Briton, some parents are worried about their students’ future.

“When my daughter Kara first told me she wanted to join Albion, I was a little apprehensive,” said Jim Dugbar. “But after speaking with the admissions department, I’m glad Kara’s joining Albion and not going to some college that constantly increases tuition and forces students to pay for their mismanaged finances.”

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