Final Four no more

The 2009 March Madness Final Four Tournament, arguably the most anticipated sporting event in college, has been canceled.

Garry Sanders, president of the NCAA, gave a statement this morning formally announcing the cancellation of the Final Four National Championship Men’s Basketball Tournament due to head coach’s: Loy William (UNC), Tim Izzoe (MSU), John Calhoon (UCONN) and Ray Right (Villanova) testing positive for steroids.

“I’m disappointed to say the least,” Sanders said. “The players have all played exceptional basketball, and these highly respected and talented coaches have prepared them to get to this point. Now to have these reputable coaches sink to this level; it makes me sick.”

Dr. Dale Earnheart Jr., NCAA head of sports medicine, tested all of the players from the four teams remaining in the tournament.

“After I received the tests back from the lab, all four teams checked out clean,” said Earnheart. “There were still unusual things happening on the court that were determined to be unnatural. That is when I proposed to test the coaches.”

Upon Earnheart’s request of testing the coaches, the NCAA council was hesitant in letting these tests move forward, but ultimately allowed it after further investigation.

“We thought Dr. Earnheart’s proposal was a little ridiculous at first,” said Allen Trammell, head director of the board. “After looking at behavior characteristics and reviewing game film we noticed various unusual coaching styles and mannerisms.”

The steroids the four coaches were tested for are the most advanced available. The steroid is called T.O. named after Terrallactious Owensullum the chemical scientist that created the pill form supplement.

“The effects of T.O. are advanced mental activity,” Owensullum said. “Normal anabolic steroids give athletes physical advantages when building muscle and improving quickness and agility. T.O., however, allows the coaches in this case to think of highly advanced play formations and then they can actually see them in their minds as if it was happening right in front of them. It also helps the coaches see which players on the opposing team will be the biggest competition so they can adjust their defenses and strategies accordingly.”

The NCAA does not have a steroids policy for coaches.

“Some of the side affects of T.O. are hoarseness of the voice, sweating of the face and frequently adjusting of the tie,” Owensullum said. “These mannerisms are usually tell tale signs of a coaching using T.O.”

When approached for comment, Izzoe admitted to the allegations.

“I am ashamed for what I have done. There is no excuse for taking the performance enhancer, T.O.,” Izzoe said. “I guess I did it for my fans. The Izzone has been great over the years and I just didn’t want to let them down this year.”

William had personal reasons for using the illegal substance.

“I felt like I didn’t have a choice,” William said. “I made a bet with Michael Jordan this summer while golfing. I bet him $1 million that we would go all the way this season. After we beat Oklahoma in the Elite Eight, two men approached me and told me they would be around the rest of the tournament to make sure I held my end of the deal.”

Right claimed that he was given the pills by mistake and he was tricked by a conspiracy against him and his team.

“The trainer told me the pills were for headaches,” Right said. “If you ask me someone is setting me up. Everyone knew we were going all the way this year. It’s sabotage! I think that darned William should be investigated – he and his Tarheels have had it out for me from day one.”

Calhoon was not available for comment. Authorities claimed that neither his family nor team has heard from him, he is officially reported as missing.

Izzoe, Calhoon, William and Right are all currently under further investigation and have already been suspended for next year’s season.

Trammell and the rest of the NCAA council are currently going through a series of meetings to determine if all four coaches will be terminated from their head coaching positions permanently.

Senior captains from all eliminated teams will meet next week in Tampa, Fla., to decide the 2009 NCAA Men’s Basketball National Champion. The championship will be determined by a two-day rock, paper, scissor tournament.

Detroit was scheduled to host the Final Four and is expected to lose over $500 million in revenue with the cancelation of the tournament semi-finals.

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