By Chris Mantay
In a rather shocking turn of events, the college has found itself as the permanent residence of a brand new superhero the likes of which this world has ever seen: Squirrel Man.
Bitten by a radioactive squirrel (which itself had somehow not been completely destroyed by the negative impacts of being irradiated), junior student David Williamson gained all of the physical abilities of the typical squirrel found across the college’s campus. Williamson has all of the agility, the climbing prowess and the huge bushy tail of the common campus squirrel. When not busy climbing from tree to tree searching for the wandering student with a healthy supply of trail mix, Williamson uses these incredible abilities to combat the evils which plagues this campus as Squirrel Man. Jaywalkers and openly intoxicated buffoons flee (usually illegally across the street) at the sight of Squirrel Man’s imposing figure scurrying quickly back and forth from side to side.
This reporter had a chance to interview several law abiding students as to their opinions of the Squirrel Man.
“I think it’s great that he’s using these incredible gifts of the common squirrel to help make a difference on our campus,” said Kelly Cluckston, Hometown sophomore. “I don’t really see the point of him calling himself Squirrel Man, though. Everyone knows it’s just David. It’s actually kind of creepy that he doesn’t realize it.”
When this reporter approached the Squirrel Man from his usual perch on the side of one of the college’s many electrical poles, he was unable to receive any answers to his questions. The Squirrel Man simply ate an acorn and then proceeded to pounce on a nearby jaywalker. Though a man of few words, clearly the Squirrel Man is a hero truly dedicated to the safety and order of the college campus. Or he just really wants to eat everybody’s trail mix.